K-Fed loses custody; kids given to Goodwill
Hollywood, CA
In a shocking turn of events, a Los Angeles court announced Thursday that the children of Britney Spears, recently granted custody to ex-husband Kevin Federline, would ultimately be given to Goodwill Industries.
Just days after the former entertainer was deemed unfit to raise sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, LA Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon decided that neither parent was capable of creating the environment necessary to nurture and support the two youngsters.
“The state of California has determined that both Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline have too much going on in their lives to concentrate on raising these children,” Gordon stated during the official press conference.
“Britney is unbelievably dedicated to resurrecting her singing career. Couple that with Kevin’s desire to begin a life of performing in the hip-hop arena and there is little to no time to focus on their offspring.”
Custody battles are not uncommon in the United States –- especially in the glamorous and promiscuous world of celebrity –- but records of children being given to a third-party organization such as Goodwill do not exist. Lawyers and media pundits familiar with the proceedings have speculated that, due to the high-profile nature of this specific case, potential candidates were few and far between.
“Britney has a long track-record of static with both her mother and her father,” said US Weekly spokesperson Laura Rider, “so distancing the children from any Spears DNA was a logical step forward. And Kevin, although he seems to be turning over a new leaf, is still demonstrating signs of immaturity. Just last week I saw him give ‘pounds’ to 50 Cent upon arriving at Club Citrus. Seriously, who does that anymore?”
After an extensive process of exploring “every alternative,” Commissioner Gordon decided that Goodwill was by far the number one option.
“Goodwill Industries has a history of taking what other people typically don’t want. From old furniture, clothes and computer monitors to jewelry, televisions and toys –- they’ve really got a firm hold on welcoming people’s otherwise-neglected belongings.”
When asked if Goodwill has ever accepted responsibility for anything with a pulse, President and CEO Robert Dexter responded with an emphatic “of course not.”
He continued, asking rather rhetorically, “but how different can it be than caring for the thousands of My Buddys and Kid Sisters we’ve been given over the years?”
Not surprisingly, organizations all over America are up in arms regarding the recent news. Few reactions have been positive, which is understandable considering the unprecedented ruling.
“I realize that some of you are questioning this decision, and I can understand your concern,” Dexter explained, “but we feel comfortable with the situation and will do everything we can to ensure that these kids get the care and attention that they deserve. As a matter of fact, we have already decided where Jayden James and Sean Preston will spend most of their time –- a Goodwill satellite store in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
At last inventory, Tulsa had 3 Speak-N-Spells, an Easy-Bake Oven, a pull-out sofa and a package of [what we imagine are unused] toothbrushes. So right off the bat we’ve got education, domestic experience, bedding and hygiene covered. From what I’ve seen in the tabloids, this is clearly a step in the right direction.”
Ms. Spears was not available for comment, as she was too busy flashing her vagina to the paparazzi.
In a shocking turn of events, a Los Angeles court announced Thursday that the children of Britney Spears, recently granted custody to ex-husband Kevin Federline, would ultimately be given to Goodwill Industries.
Just days after the former entertainer was deemed unfit to raise sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, LA Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon decided that neither parent was capable of creating the environment necessary to nurture and support the two youngsters.
“The state of California has determined that both Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline have too much going on in their lives to concentrate on raising these children,” Gordon stated during the official press conference.
“Britney is unbelievably dedicated to resurrecting her singing career. Couple that with Kevin’s desire to begin a life of performing in the hip-hop arena and there is little to no time to focus on their offspring.”
Custody battles are not uncommon in the United States –- especially in the glamorous and promiscuous world of celebrity –- but records of children being given to a third-party organization such as Goodwill do not exist. Lawyers and media pundits familiar with the proceedings have speculated that, due to the high-profile nature of this specific case, potential candidates were few and far between.
“Britney has a long track-record of static with both her mother and her father,” said US Weekly spokesperson Laura Rider, “so distancing the children from any Spears DNA was a logical step forward. And Kevin, although he seems to be turning over a new leaf, is still demonstrating signs of immaturity. Just last week I saw him give ‘pounds’ to 50 Cent upon arriving at Club Citrus. Seriously, who does that anymore?”
After an extensive process of exploring “every alternative,” Commissioner Gordon decided that Goodwill was by far the number one option.
“Goodwill Industries has a history of taking what other people typically don’t want. From old furniture, clothes and computer monitors to jewelry, televisions and toys –- they’ve really got a firm hold on welcoming people’s otherwise-neglected belongings.”
When asked if Goodwill has ever accepted responsibility for anything with a pulse, President and CEO Robert Dexter responded with an emphatic “of course not.”
He continued, asking rather rhetorically, “but how different can it be than caring for the thousands of My Buddys and Kid Sisters we’ve been given over the years?”
Not surprisingly, organizations all over America are up in arms regarding the recent news. Few reactions have been positive, which is understandable considering the unprecedented ruling.
“I realize that some of you are questioning this decision, and I can understand your concern,” Dexter explained, “but we feel comfortable with the situation and will do everything we can to ensure that these kids get the care and attention that they deserve. As a matter of fact, we have already decided where Jayden James and Sean Preston will spend most of their time –- a Goodwill satellite store in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
At last inventory, Tulsa had 3 Speak-N-Spells, an Easy-Bake Oven, a pull-out sofa and a package of [what we imagine are unused] toothbrushes. So right off the bat we’ve got education, domestic experience, bedding and hygiene covered. From what I’ve seen in the tabloids, this is clearly a step in the right direction.”
Ms. Spears was not available for comment, as she was too busy flashing her vagina to the paparazzi.
posted by MWP at
5:39 PM
1 Comments:
where can I view these vagina flashing pictures you speak of?
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